What a Rosh!

What am I doing for Rosh Hashanah? Eating a meal with my family (yay) and avoiding shul (yay yay).

But I wish all a happy day and the sweetest of life always.

Wednesday Comedy: Is It Safe?

Just endured two days of dental work. Today's fun was some periodontal surgery. By "fun" I mean "agony."

Depression

This past weekend, I felt confident I would run a full 10K (6.2 miles) in a decent time. I had trained to finish. The last four weeks or so saw me doing long runs at or about 10K. During this time I also ran intervals and lifted weights. So, I saw myself as basically in shape, just a bit heavy.

Well, I stank up the race. I ran a decent two miles in the sun and humidity before becoming totally fatigued. I wound up walking most of the middle part of the course. I ran the last mile or so at a good clip and finished strong, but otherwise I'm totally bummed at my performance. Was I not really ready to run the race? Was the heat and humidity too much for me? Had I not tapered in the final week like I should have?

My thinking is that I should have focused more on hydration in the final 1-2 weeks of training. I should have been less strenuous in my lifting routine. Finally, I should have refrained from running intervals on the Friday before the race. So yeah, I'm bummed. But I can make peace with a failure and move on. In fact, I'm looking forward to redeeming myself in another race.

I share this reflection because it highlights the difference between me and the depressives I live with, my wife and eight-year-old daughter. It's taken me a long time to figure out what depression is (and is not) but I think I now have a decent handle on it. Basically, depression is an inability to function as one would be able to otherwise. It's rooted in being overwhelmed and over-stressed. It's marked by a lingering sense that there's nothing that can be done about a certain set of circumstances. It's not just feeling personally helpless but feeling oppressed by conditions such that no one can make them better.

An example, an evaluation of my eight-year-old revealed that she feels depressed about her three-year-old brother's autism. She knows that when he gets upset, the whole house is affected. It gets stressful and loud, and it's hard to smile. This situation affects my daughter profoundly. It's not just mood but ability to focus and to engage life as it happens. Often, she feels that the situation will not get better, that there's nothing she or any of us can really do to fix things.

A few depression quotes:

"Depression is the inability to construct a future."
-- Rollo May

"If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling."
-- Dr. R. W. Shepherd

"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it."
-- Jonathan Davis

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."
-- Elizabeth Wurtzel

I cannot speak first-hand about the experiences and thinking that my wife and daughter go through when they are depressed. I have a hard time relating to what I think is going on with them because even when I feel "helpless," I often can make peace with the situation and find another outlet for balancing myself. I have only rarely felt as though I wasn't able to lock in on an activity to get my swagger back.

Making peace is what I want for my wife and daughter. I am optimistic that with the help of therapy, both of them will find ways to make peace with depression. I don't think the depression will ever fully go away for either of them. It's part of the hard-wiring of their brains, brought out by particular stresses in our lives. Yet all of us can learn to live with it, if not embrace it. We can learn to recognize it and not be overwhelmed by it.

On the Road and on the iPod

Rain and lightning can't stop me!

I braved downpours, flashes of light, and deep rumbles from the sky for today's 5:30-in-the-morning run--but I have more than just will power on my side. Over the past few weeks, I've ramped up on the runs because I'm training for the July 4 Harvard Pilgrim 10K road race. I like this race especially because it finishes on the field at Gillette Stadium, where my beloved New England Patriots football team play.

And there's more: I have also started strength training three times a week. I plan to look good and run well on July 4 and beyond. At the very least, I want to do the entire 6.2-mile course without having to walk any part of it. Last year, I was not ready for the full distance and had to walk a good chunk of the race.

I'm moving and grooving now, though. Here's what my weeks tend to look like these days, exercise-wise:

Day	Exercise	Duration
Sunday	Long run	60-90 mins
Monday	Strength training	15-30 mins
Tuesday	Run	30-40 mins
Wednesday	Strength training	15-30 mins
Thursday	Run	20-30 mins
Friday	Strength training	15-30 mins
Saturday	Open	Open

Although I have plenty of desire to get faster and stronger, one motivation for me is the running playlist on my (wife's) iPod. Here's what I listen to, in no particular order and without the usual quotation marks around song titles:

• The Bad Plus
• Lost of Love
• Prehensile Dream
• Flim

• Esbjorn Svensson Trio
• Dolores in a Shoestand
• Did They Ever Tell Cousteau?

• Led Zeppelin
• The Song Remains the Same (Live)
• Deep Purple
• Highway Star (Live)
• Living Colour
• Behind the Sun
• Cake
• The Distance
• Eminem
• Lose Yourself
• Foo Fighters
• Everlong
• Metallica
• Fade to Black
• Twisted Sister
• I Wanna Rock
• U2
• Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses
• Miles Davis
• What I Say
• Motorhead
• Ace of Spades
• Andrew Bird
• Sweetmatter
• Armchair

I have other artists and songs on the playlist, but these make up the highlights. I'm really into The Bad Plus recently.

Pablo Casals, "Song of the Birds"

Casals: "We have to leave it to the ignorant and the stupid to point out faults. We have to be glad of any bit of beauty."

This time of year, my morning run gives me audience to the wonderful music of the birds. Since I was a boy, I've loved the song of the chickadee especially. Maybe it's a Massachusetts thing.

A different and no less exhilarating birdsong is "Song of the Birds" ("El Cant dels Ocells"), performed by cellist-musician-human extraordinaire Pablo Casals.

Should you be interested in a summer read, I heartily recommend Joys and Sorrows, Casals' quasi-autobiography.

My Goal's Beyond

John Milton, we all know, wrote Paradise Lost "to justify the ways of God to men." My goals in Textuality are slightly more modest than Milton's but exponentially more important: I write to explain my ideas and opinions to my children. I write to my wife, my brothers, my parents, my friends, and to anyone else who may be interested.

How many of us know what our mothers and fathers truly feel and think? How many get the chance to see the world through their eyes and approach ideas the way they do?

My goal for this blog is to make this knowledge and sight available to my loved ones, should they ever want to explore. I want them to know what I think and why. I want them to understand what I think, even if they do not agree with the thoughts. I want them to know that I think. I want them to realize that I am most comfortable writing and considering ideas.

I started Textuality in 2005, following the painful but necessary abandonment (temporary, it now seems) of my dissertation and my aspirations for doctorate in English. At that time, my aims for the blog were to to continue working, informally, in textuality:

This blog has been initiated and inaugurated to serve as a forum on textuality. Specifically, it is intended to support the analysis and understanding of current events, issues, and debates from the standpoint of textuality.

As I understand textuality, it is the quality possessed by a tangible thing of being a text. To proceed further, a text is a tangible thing – such as a piece of paper, a book, a Web page or Internet site, an onstage or onscreen performance, a painting, a sculpture, a building, a location in nature, and so on – that is understood to be or to be comprised of one or more signs. Signs may contain one or more signifying elements, but their referents are conceived of as statements of thought intended to be communicated.

I had hoped to build a site that would become the foremost authority on textuality. In practice, however, I used the blog as a diary. The personal and rather whiny nature of the blog during these early days was one reason (there were others) I took the pseudonym "Larry Tanner," a nickname someone gave me in college. Recently I have flirted with the idea of "coming out" and using my real name, but I already have other blogs under my real name. "Larry Tanner" has become like a separate identity, and I enjoy playing this role. So for now, the pseudonym stays.

Early on in the life of the blog, I seemed to lose interest. In 2006, I posted only one entry, and it was a personal disclosure:

It's almost been one year since I last posted here. Let's see: one child, two marathons, and some marital beauty and ugliness later, now I'm posting again.

I don't know why, exactly, I would even think of coming back. I'm struggling with something. I'm just not satisfied. I'm losing confidence and feel like I'm running out of time.

Hmm ... isn't this kind of what I said last year too?

The post above sounds rather bleak and self-chastising. I do that much less now, for whatever reasons. I remember some of the days of 2006. Our family was strapped for cash, stressed with the new baby, dissatisfied with my workplace, bewildered by my wife's depression, and dealing with my dislike of the wife's new church. We had issues, then, but we also had lots of happiness and love, too. In any case, I suppose my attention was best directed elsewhere than the blog.

Although I posted intermittently in 2007, the great change for Textuality came in 2008. Precipitating the change was my accepting a ghostwriting gig. As I began the gig and the writing involved, I did not foresee any shifts in my personal views but I did sense trouble between my author friend/employer and myself:

In the writing, I am finding a lot of passion and struggle in myself. It's good, I'm learning a lot and swaying between almost complete atheism and firm religious belief. It's interesting. There are just so many great perspectives available online. I am glad that I am able to be swayed. I am not an easy sway, but my openness is partly what makes it all work. Now, it could be that my author is not happy with what I have drafted. If that's the case, then we surely will not be able to work together.

Partly as a result of this gig, I took sides in the larger cultural squabbles concerning atheism and religion. I posted a big admission in November of 2008:

Do I believe in G-d? The answer is no, but it’s not an unequivocal no. It is a no of belief: I do not feel sure enough to have the scales tipped toward faith. I have little confidence that I ever will...and I am OK with this.

The character of my posts changed slowly. Throughout 2008 and into 2009, I was writing reactive stuff: I'd read an article or another blog post and then respond. I don't think I struck upon a clearer identity for Textuality until October 2009, with one post on Bob Dylan and another on the debates of atheists and religious believers.

With these essays, I brought out (at last) my full voice. I sought to make my points personal, original, unambiguous, and unfiltered. I tried to quote liberally and in context. I wanted to work through quotes slowly, patiently, and in detail. I aimed to have posts work as part of a larger, ongoing conversation between myself and the world.

In July of this year, I thought I'd exhausted my thoughts on atheism and religion. I intended to post mostly on Walt Whitman to find other topics of interest. I said then:

I have interests in addition to Atheism that deserve fuller and more sustained expression by me. I want to explore other aspects of this wonderful world, such as the poetry of its people, the conflicts of its nations and civilizations, and the endeavors of its animal inhabitants.

This statement remains true, even if I have not done as much about it (so far) as I might like. Indeed, recently I've been quite focused on topics in and around atheism and religion. Yet I've been generally pleased about the posts on the Kuzari Principle and on ultimate meaning.

One day, I hope to gather maybe 25-50 posts, organize them, and self -publish a book of the best and most enduring posts in Textuality.This book will be for the kids, mainly, not for sale or money. My focus today is on addressing topics that interest me but that also allow me to express ideas and opinions I haven't said before.

I have much, much more to write in this blog--about atheism, religion, family, aging, poetry, jokes, work, politics, and more. I anticipate the days and years ahead. Perhaps a post already written or yet to come will serve as pre-text for one or more face-to-face discussions with my children and/or with my wife.

This is a core element of my thinking: anything I write should have an application in real life. My blog life as "Larry Tanner" is a reflection and premonition of the life where I am interacting with actual human beings in real space-time. I would never want a blog that was all and only "in" the blogosphere.

I expect that if I keep up with Textuality, it will continue to morph. After all, I am still growing as an intellect and as a person, and I have much to explain and share. I cannot say whether the future will be good or bad. I hope it's more of the good, but who knows? The writing is part of what I can do. Textuality is part of my pro-activity.

No One Cares

The universe doesn't care either. Buck up, already.

My mother was in the hospital almost a year ago. To my great disappointment, she received what I felt was unsatisfactory quality of care from what I thought was one of the best health care facilities in the U.S., if not the world. During her hospital stay (and then a stint at a rehabilitation center), my mother was in intense pain, and no one on the hospital staff seemed as dedicated to diagnosing the problem and solving it as I would have liked.

I don't usually watch TV shows like House or Grey's Anatomy, but perhaps I had harbored false preconceptions of doctors as tortured detectives who relentlessly pursue the truth about what's ailing patients and themselves. The reality of doctors, nurses, and patients was uglier and definitely less glamorous than TV medical dramas. The real-life hospital staff was overworked and distracted. They tried to make my mother's discomfort manageable, certainly, but basically wanted her to follow directions and be a good patient while they labored to perform their duties around the ward. 

After a particularly bad visit one evening, I recalled the words from Matthew Arnold's very well-known "Dover Beach":

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

My mother's situation--from which, thankfully, she later recovered fully--illustrates on a small scale the very real circumstances we are discussing when we talk about things like the universe, purpose, and meaning.

In the real world, if we are not looking out for the ones we love then they are at the mercy of people  with other priorities and forces without priorities. For every rainbow here is a devastating volcano blast there. For every deed of sharing and selflessness is one of intense brutality. But for the light we make ourselves, we live in a place that will be dark or light only according to its laws and without any ability even to register indifference to us.

The thesis I want to argue now is that we are fortunate to live in such a universe. It is a good thing for us, in other words, that our universe is blind, pitiless, meaningless, and pointless.

Consider the following quotes:

The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.

-Richard Dawkins

The great accumulation of understanding as to how the physical world behaves only convinces one that this behavior has a kind of meaninglessness about it.

-Richard Feynman

The more the universe seems comprehensible the more it also seems pointless.

-Steven Weinberg

People often argue that if evolution is true or if scientists such as Weinberg are correct, then the universe is a depressing place and our lives are but jokes. Not so, I say, not so at all.

If evolution is true and Weinberg is correct, then the universe is neutral. It is not for us, but it's not against us either. The natural events of the world happen because of the conditions out of which they emerge, not because we are being praised or punished by an overlooking, intervening moral judge.

The utter neutrality of the universe is liberating. Because the universe, and everything in it, is neutral with respect to us, we are free to make and to find meaning from within ourselves.

With this freedom comes the freedom to revise, re-create, and re-invent meanings. We are empowered to challenge the values of our parents, our mainstream culture, and ourselves.

We can question values, we should do so, and we should absolutely insist on the care and preservation of this power for all people. This power to challenge and to question, in reasoned discourse and in equitable political circumstances, should be inalienable.

If the universe is an instrument of some being's will, then our individual desires are in decidedly worse standing than in the neutral universe. If the universe is part of someone else's plan and subject to someone else's whims and judgments, then we are insignificant even to ourselves.

How did my mother begin to recover? We hired a private nurse to sit with her and to advocate for her before the hospital staff. We visited every day and stayed with her, along with my father. The nurse often stayed overnight. The nurse mediated between us, my mother, and the hospital.

Once we realized that we, like my mother, were among confused alarms, we were able to take simple actions to make things better. Once we accepted that we were ignorantly fighting by night, we focused on solutions that would bring us all better visibility into what was happening.

In the universe of judgment and partiality, we were powerless and immobile. In the neutral universe, we were able to seize our part of the day.

Everything Old Is New Again

Back in 2005, when I had started to eat right and exercise, I wrote:

As I go along, I find that nutrition is much more important than I ever imagined. Healthy eating more and more seems to be at the center of a fit life -- and I mean "fit" in a number of senses -- and yet, this fact also seems to be a bit of a secret. It's not the kind of point that's really stressed in advertising, media, entertainment, and so on.

It's funny. We get these fad diets that target one thing (e.g., carbs or fat). We also get pummeled with exercise routines, methods and equipment (e.g., Pilates, Tae Bo, Bowflex). But generally, healthy eating really seems to be more fundamental and important. Maybe it's the fundamentality that keeps it under wraps in our daily lives; it's just not that sexy.

These days, my family has begun a critical change in diet because we notice that we had gone off track. We had gotten in the habit of giving the kids chocolate milk in the morning. We were giving them sugary juices and Popsicles. We were giving them crackers and cookies. Picky eaters all, they weren't eating a lot of vegetables or getting a big variety in their diet. Our kids are pretty active, so they were not and are not fat, but on the other hand, I would not call any of them skinny.

We've changed our ways. I am ready to run a 10K this weekend. And we've started over with the family grocery list, cutting out a lot of the sugar and crackers while adding more vegetables and fruits. I'm really excited about this because I think the benefits will go well beyond nutrition, for all of us.

When I began to eat "clean" I observed that my mood, my energy level, my alertness, and even my resistance to illness--they all improved. Now, perhaps this improvement was to some degree a placebo effect. And I certainly don't want to overstate the claim. Nevertheless, some in the medical community see at least an indirect connection between nutrition and mood. From a blog at the Mayo Clinic we get this:

Omega-3 fatty acids, magnesium, tryptophan, folate and other B vitamins, low glycemic foods, and chocolate have all been studied to assess their impact on mood. The results are mixed but seem to show an association — though not a direct link — between these foods and improved mood.

Of course, these nutrients and foods are part of a healthy diet. And when you eat a healthy diet, your body reaps the benefits. For example, when you eat fruits, starchy vegetables and whole grains throughout the day you keep your body fueled and your blood sugar level on an even keel. And you're getting vitamins, minerals, antioxidants and phytonutrients. Combining carbohydrates and proteins enhances the availability of serotonin in your brain. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter said to have a calming effect and to play a role in sleep.

I am quite gratified that many of the foods I used to buy only for myself, such as all natural peanut butter (just peanuts and nothing else!), are now back in our home as staples for all of my family. I love being able to model for the kids the kinds of behaviors that I think will serve them well in their physical, emotional, and intellectual lives. And in this way, my children give me the gift of living m life in the way I really want.

What are those lines by William Wordsworth?

The Child is father of the Man;
I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

On the Run

Me in 2007(?) after a particularly hilly 10K.

Five years ago, I trained to run long distances. In 2006, I ran two marathons--Boston and Lowell.

Although my marathon days are probably behind me for good (but who knows?), I am back out on the road most mornings.

Two races upcoming:

The Harvard Pilgrim 10K at Patriot Place, 4 July 2010

The Run Gloucester 7-Mile, 22 August 2010

So far I seem to enjoy running even more than I used to. I don't talk to myself in my head as much as I once did--or at least I'm better at controlling it. Because I'm an introvert, a lot of my activity is thinking and dreaming. But when I'm out running, I give my mind a break and let it coast. I let it be an observing organ, an instrument for processing all that I see and hear and feel about me. This is one of the things I really enjoy about running.

Like many activities, running teaches. A runner learns about things like letting the mind coast. About just listening, about setting oneself tall and strong, and about getting to one's center when adversity strikes. About moving out and returning home.

Every runner has to run in her or his own unique way. What's more, every runner has to learn how to find this way. Every runner has to learn how to relate to the world: the weather, the terrain, the traffic, and the surprises.

There's no purity about running, in my opinion. Rather, running allows one to circumscribe purity--to enable a personal vision of how a purely human life might be lived.

Getting Strong Now

Still at 181 pounds. Alright, I confess: 181.5. Still, I am OK here ... for now.

Actually, I am going for 180 flat this week. I'll need to step up my exercise and watch my diet. Part of my problem last week, I think, was that I actually ate too little. Not enough calories can impede weight loss, so I have gathered. I continue to do a little working out in the mornings and sometimes even at night. Mornings are easy to do, since I just wake up and get to it. Evenings are a little more frantic because I have to get ready for the next day, help put the baby to bed, finish up household chores, and so on. Nevertheless, I have managed to jump rope, punch and kick the standing bag, and use my dumbells.

This morning, I did my arm workout with weights. I needed to stop and rest at some points, but overall, my arms and shoulders remain (almost) strong. My abdomen and back, however, are in really sad condition. I was really surprised at how weak both were. It's no wonder I have had backaches and sudden, incapacitating back pain at various times over the past three years or more. I feel like a complete jerk for getting this way. At least when I was fat before I still had some athletic juice going in me.

Bygones, though. I am excited that maybe by the time I go to Arizona in June, I'll be under 170, pretty fit, and nutritionally sound -- not to mention a father to be for the second time! That's my weight goal, 170 or under by the time I travel to Phoenix. I think it's definitely do-able, but exercise and diet will really be the keys. I know that it's hardly bold to list exercise and diet, but I mean that I realy need to focus on good cardio stuff -- activities that burn calories. In terms of my eating, I need to know what my calorie zone is and to make sure that I stay within it, every day.

Of course, I must concentrate on what I am doing today and not think too much about the future. Yes, I have that short-term goal, and I have goals for the time after that, but my job is to take everything one step at a time, stay relaxed, and let whatever happens happen. My belief is that this "in the moment" approach will help me to succeed where I have not before. Heck, this is the best start I have ever had.

A Little Gushing

Well, I have to gush just a little bit. I am thrilled to have stayed three consecutive days at 181 pounds. After hovering around 184-185 for weeks, it's a nice change. And I do feel lighter. At least my tummy isn't constantly stretching the waistband of my pants. I have no intention of buying larger size pants, so I need to lose weight or else.

Unbelievable how hard it is to lose weight, though. The diet's been a surprisingly good part of the challenge. I have been eating small portions of healthy, healthy food -- fiber, fruit, whole grains, greens, and lean meats. Avoiding junk food and late night snacks takes constant vigilance. I have even started to exercise. This morning I did my 8-minute arms and tonight I'll do some 8-minute stretching. So, I know that I haven't done or lost anything just yet, but I am still motivated, so for that I'll give a big "Hullah!"

The motivation does not stop there, however. Because of the forecasted downpours this weekend, it might just be a good time to draft the children's books I have had rattling around. "Uncle Josh and the Schmata" and "Grammy, Grandad, and the Billy Goat" could some day appear on a Scholastic Book Club flier. Why not?

And then of course there is my self-help book, "Do What You Want." Not a great title, I know, but it's a start. Starts are always exciting and interesting. I personally have started many things and finished few. I ain't afraid to walk on after the honeymoon's over, that's for sure. It's also not a kind or helpful trait.

Speaking of kind, I was thinking about another book: "Profiles in Kindness." Yes, it's meant as a nod to Kennedy's (et al.) "Profiles in Courage," but with more emphasis on doing good things for people. Someone should write a book like this -- why not me?

While no one would mistake me for a kid anymore, I still generate the ideas and get the passions of my younger self. Even if I cannot shed weight, run around, or indulge in slightly-less-than-kind mischief as I once did, I can still muster up the better part of my youth and strength. Only on occasion, though.

That's cool with me. One thing I don't now do too much of is dwell on the negative aspects of things. I am a pessimistic optimist -- which still ain't a realist -- so keeping my life moderately light at all times is what I am after. Consciously and subconsciously, this is what I do, I think. Perhaps it has taken awhile, but I have realized and accepted it. Whoever or whatever I once thought I was, the truth of the moment is winning out in me.

Started out gushing, wound up reflecting. Same as ever.