Tuesday, January 01, 2008

You Say You Want a Resolution

Welcome to 2008. Yes, I have some concepts for how I want to behave this year:

  1. Eat clean; Exercise regularly (Physiological)
  2. Build a savings account through regular, automatic withdrawals (Safety)
  3. Help clean and maintain the house; Schedule quality time; Call my family and brothers every week (Belonging-Love)
  4. Improve the house; Keep “my” areas clean and organized (Self-esteem)
  5. Read Torah every day; Be creative; Reflect on myself less (Self-actualization)

I would call the concepts above “directives” rather than “resolutions” because they are open-ended and ongoing. It’s more like I’m trying to steer the ship than reach a destination.

I used Abraham Maslow’s famous hierarchy of needs to provide a structure for these directives, which are surprisingly home-based. I certainly have lofty goals and ideals I wish to reach – collect submittals for a book-length project, revise and get “Hannah’s Moon” published, draft an original APMP article, etc. – but perhaps I have realized that any so-called success I am to have will come from cultivating my self at home.

Maybe, as I approach 38 years old, I am getting beyond reducing myself to spiritual, material, or professional definitions. Maybe. Let’s go read some Torah.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Yikes and Yuks

Just had a glance over my last few posts. Apparently, I only write when I'm depressed and whiny.

I feel just this way now, as a matter of fact, but I have to laugh (yes, at this line, I am thinking of that Beatles song). My mind really is blown out. Middlesex classes just finished. The weekday class was a failure. The Saturday style didn't translate well at all. Good news is that I feel I know how to fix it.

What's more, I'm totally floundering at work. I can't tell if I'm on the way out or just irrelevant to the proceedings of the business.

Hiring TMI was a good move, but I fear that I'll move someplace else and simply repeat the same pattern that's plagued me up until now. What I want, what I really want, is to run a small business - just me and some other guy, and no limit as limit.

I've slipped back into almost total non-Judaism, which pains me because I have learned so much this past year. One thing I have learned is that when in doubt, read Torah. That's what I am going to do now.

Shalom.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Out of the Whirlwind

I've been meaning to check in for some time now, but I've been so incredibly busy that I am having a hard time keeping up with everything.

Let's catch up on news, first. I am having a third child -- the wife is, actually -- and it's a boy. I'm ecstatic about this, naturally. Emily is getting big. She's at a great age and I'm totally bonkers for her. Hannah is in pre-school, but she is still de facto boss of the house. She's a great kid, and funny as anything.

Work is going OK. I'm still with the same company, but not sure how to move my career ahead. I am going to start dressing more professionally, and see if I can bring an upgraded attitude with me. We're very busy, and our executive team has been all shaken up. If I can keep my job, I think it will be good for my career and my wallet.

APMP Nor'easters has its first-ever symposium this coming week. As president, I have several responsibilities and concerns.

Teaching two classes is difficult. I can't remember names and I have not been preparing as well as I think I need to.

Anything else? My goodness, that's a lot of stuff.

Well, there's plenty of else, but where to start?

Yom Kippur just concluded some hours ago, and I am greatly disappointed in myself. I never let myself be all there this year. I allowed myself to be distracted, I permitted indulging in thoughts of business and other monkeyshines, and I never felt all that guilty about it. So, I see that I have behaved like a jerk but I'm not prepared to do anything about it. Apparently I have become almost comfortable with being a sociopath.

Happy New Year.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Preserving the Trees of Elul

Today’s Shabbat services at Chabad focused on a certain passage from the Parshah (Devarim 20:19-20):
When you besiege a city for many days to wage war against it to seize it, do not destroy its trees by swinging an axe against them, for from it you will eat, and you shall not cut it down; is the tree of the field a man that it should enter the siege before you? Only a tree that you know is not a food tree, it you may destroy and cut down, and build a bulwark against the city that makes war with you, until it is conquered.
Our discussion question, basically, was how is a tree like a man. I realize I am not providing some useful context here about how the question was presented, but the important part is that this was the question we were supposed to ponder individually.

The actual discussion brought up things such as “man, like a tree, creates ‘fruit,’” which is so in issuing children or disciples, performing mitzvot, studying Torah, performing acts of teshuvah, praying to HaShem, and so on. Discussion also focused on the way man develops his Jewish roots in childhood, grows them strong and wide later in life, and yields fruit – see above – through work, study and service. These were nice, meaningful discussions.

I was struck with the context of the passage. What interested me was that the passage concerned the conduct of war. I thought it was important that in a time of war there would be this constraint not to destroy a fruit-bearing tree.

It made me think that we are commanded to keep our aggression in check, to remember that war, though violent by definition, should not descend into all-out brutality, cruelty and destruction. Yes, there is a practical reason not to destroy a fruit-bearing tree: we may feed off of it. And yes, there is a logical reason to preserve such a tree: after all, it won’t suddenly become a warrior fighting against you like a man.

I also thought there were two key spiritual imperatives involved in protecting the fruit-bearing tree. One was the imperative to maintain one’s judgment, particularly one’s ability to distinguish things with real value. The other was the imperative to preserve one’s own stores of energy: if you swing an axe against every tree, you may tire yourself out for an actual opponent!

To me these two imperatives have a special purpose in the month of Elul. As we reflect on the year that’s closing, and on our character development and interactions with fellows, we wage a kind of war against ourselves in which virtually everything about us appears wrong. Why did I act so impulsively, so selfishly? How could I be so insensitive to so-and-so? Why couldn’t I have been more disciplined, more diligent, or more responsible? In this war, we could really become very aggressive against ourselves.

However, even in this war, we can remember to withhold some of our wrath, for we have some fruit-bearing trees that can be preserved. When we reflect on the same year, we can remember our acts of service, kindnesses and lessons learned. And we can let these be as they are, without seeking out their minute imperfections. Criticizing and fretting over every detail of every behavior eventually becomes a waste of energy and a confusion of the true direction one’s teshuvah should take – which is toward HaShem, rather than toward oneself.

So I did not exactly think about how man is like a tree, or a tree like a man. Rather, I thought about how men have, and how they plant, many kinds of tree in a year. It occurred to me that Elul is not about wiping out the past entirely, but creating an environment for its best trees to grow and to develop its yield of fruit.

The principle applies as well to approaching others. For example, maybe one has a dislike of a co-worker. One could realize that even this co-worker has a fruit-bearing tree – a skill, a common interest, a word or deed – that can be found and appreciated. Who knows? By seeing this tree and letting it stand, perhaps a wonderful friendship could result.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Working in Five

My early menopause continues as I try to figure out what to do with my life. I think about what I want to be doing for work in 5 years. That will be 2012. I have a hard time imagining that far ahead, and imagining myself in that world.

If I am happy in 2012 with my work and my life, what is it that gives me joy and satisfaction? Well, I know there’s money. However, I am not thinking about money to be greedy. I just want a steady stream of income that is substantial enough to allow me to save. So, where’s the money coming from? Of course I’ll have a job, but what will I be doing that makes me happy?

As I imagine it, I envision a cause, a goal of some sort. For example, I get pretty charged up at being able to pursue the street betterment cause. I like being an advocate for a cause. And there are several causes that interest me. I see myself doing a combination of desk work and field work. Now I am totally desk-docked, and I don’t like it. I want to go out and visit people, talk to them and get things done.

So, there’s money, social responsibility and interactivity. This is a start, right? I can continue to press this thinking forward and hopefully develop a clearer sense of my occupation, my real occupation.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Robert Johnson, Hire Me! (Re-Released)

I seem to be at another career crossroads. I have talked to the folks at BAE Systems and may be in line for a job as Senior Proposal Manager.

On the up side, I would get a “senior” in my title and there would be an immediate bump in pay – not much, but a bump nonetheless. I would work with some great people on important projects, and my office would be oh-so-much closer to home.

On the downside, I would be under the thumb of another Neal, and I’ll have to start at the bottom of the company totem pole yet again – not desirable! Plus, I would pretty much seal my fate as a proposal guy. That is, unless I eventually go for my own gig, I would be a proposal guy probably for the rest of my career. Of course, if I am going to be a proposal weenie, having the kind of government experience afforded by BAE would invaluable. They do hard-core DOD proposals, which would put me in good proposal stead anywhere.

On the other hand, what if I stay where I am? I expect a bump in pay in the next 6 months or so, bringing me to between 96K and 98K. I could also lobby for a bonus and maybe reel in an additional $500 or $1000. I work in a fun environment in a company that is going public within the next year or so, which presents many financial and perhaps also career opportunities, or so I am told.

The downside is that I see myself getting ever more pigeon-holed as a support guy rather than a leader, as administration rather than management. The commute is so-so: I have had worse, and it may even be better than SimplexGrinnell. I worry that I will never get a chance to move up and be a real corporate leader here. My lack of business experience and knowledge really sticks out here, as does my introverted temperament.

Yet, the longer I stay, the better chance I have of doing some great things, so long as I push for it. If I am silent, MBAs will come in and take the roles I want (whatever they are – I don’t even know!).

So, my choice boils down to: (a) stay and fight for more – a gamble – or (b) leave and resign myself to what I have. If I remain where I am, I have the chance to forge my own path and get the kind of cutting-edge business experience that may be very helpful later on. If I move to BAE, I have the chance to gain some useful experience and position myself as a real proposal manager, which is a position of strength.

The real issue is whether I am on a path to doing the work I want to do – the work that has the money, prestige and excitement I crave – or a path of repeated frustration in my career. Am I giving in to “grass is greener” syndrome and being foolish, or making a smart decision? This is what I cannot seem to resolve within myself. I am always and constantly dissatisfied with where I am, what my title is, how much money I make, what kind of authority I have. It’s a destructive mode of thinking. But let’s look at this objectively:
  1. Strength against strength: Senior-level and real government versus advancement potential and general business exposure. Advantage: Leave.
  2. Weakness against weakness: No autonomy and steady-state versus little authority and significant risk. Advantage: Stay.
  3. Strength against weakness: Senior-level and real government versus no autonomy and steady-state. Advantage: Stay.
  4. Wildcards: A $105K paycheck, more autonomy than I imagine, better benefits, a sense of future leadership.
Conclusion: I should move forward with an interview, full-speed, and get a better sense of the opportunity and the company. If it’s not right, I’ll stay where I am. But I should also start talking with Bob and getting more active in fashioning the role I want to play in the future.

You Don't Know Me

I know how you got here, and who you think I am, but it's someone else.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Road to Nowhere

I had a lengthy – and, I’ll admit, fun – exchange with a pro blogger on ZNet. I don’t know how I got to this site, but the tone of discussion irked me when I started reading the material there.

Clearly it's a lefty site; there's plenty of the foggy language I remember so well (even fondly) from my grad school days. I still have plenty of liberal leanings in my political/social thought, but I was bugged by reading some of the posts. Why? Because it was all pot-shot stuff, people criticizing as if they only needed to offer opinions and evaluations and no substantive considerations to pragmatism.

As for me, I hope that the path I pursue is constructive. If I don't think you are doing something correctly - and I am in a position to provide criticism - then my obligation is not only to say so but also to explain how I think it should be done. From there, my obligation becomes making this explanation a reality in the world of activity.

On ZNet, I find repugnant the lack of solutions being proposed and the absense of practical grounding. To me, these posts read as smarmy, self-important arguments from a detached and idle class. These writers and posters often seem as though they have no real investment in either the things they criticize or the piecemeal solutions only implied by their commentary.

For example, they feel that the U.S. (and, one must assume, other countries) military actions in Iraq are criminally liable. If this is so, why don't they pursue formal charges? Why don't they petition their elected representatives or run for offices themselves? Why don't they seek to create media campaigns to influence greater public opinion? In other words, why don't they walk their talk?

To me, the great lessons of post-structuralism are lessons about action. These posters on ZNet perhaps don't realize the violence of posting, the assault that writing constitues. One must, in my opinion, assume responsibility for the violence one commits, whether it is the violence of the word, the fist or the gun. All this violence is the same Frankenstein's monster: only make it if you are prepared to follow it to the ends of the Earth.

Below, I have reproduced (though introducing my own edits where I wanted to) the basic narrative in the blog posts between David Peterson and myself.
Sun, 2007-07-08 21:23.
Seeing that this Sunday's New York Times advocated at length for the immediate withdrawal of the occupying military's troops from Iraq -- "without any more delay than the Pentagon needs to organize an orderly exit" ("The Road Home," July 8) -- perhaps it is worth remembering that, five years ago, there already were a hell of a lot of voices in this world -- even in the largely whacked out fundamentalist republic of America -- who opposed the invasion before it ever began, when opposing it really mattered --

[snip]

Who no doubt would oppose a similar war of aggression against Iran -- under ominously similar scare tactics and sexed-up lies.

And who also opposed the earlier aggressions against Afghanistan. Against Yugoslavia. Against the world. Including you and me.

So you say you want to use military and/or other techniques of destabilization to remove a government, and you'd like to justify it by the conjunction of Lie A, Lie B, Lie C, … etc.?

Who do you call?

The United States of America.

Now why can't the New York Times also call for an inquiry to be opened into the criminality of the individuals most responsible for these acts of aggression?

If you can answer that one, you'll also know why there is very little reason for hope
that the United States won't turn around and do it again.
It’s worth pointing out that this person writes out of Chicago. You’d think he was holed up somewhere in France. That “occupying military” he talks about remains staffed by our fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, brothers and sisters – staffed by us, you and me, in other words. But “occupying military” sounds sexy and subversive, I suppose, and allows one not to have to worry much about the humanity of the people in the military.

My first post was a ridiculous, sarcastic spoof. What I think I was really trying to challenge, though, was Peterson’s strange implication that Iraq and Saddam Hussein, in particular, were total innocents with no culpability in the military action taken against them by U.S.-led forces.
That Murderous Iraqi Tyrant Should Have Been Left Alone
Mon, 2007-07-09 17:04.
The world should not have interfered with that taunting, evidently dangerous maniac. Instead, the world should have stood by and done nothing, remaining passive and registering (loudly) a self-righteous and intellectually masturbatory moral indignation. Instead, the world should have sat in committee and passed judgment, or maybe it should have taken out an ad in the NYT.

Tell me when it's time to convert to Islam.
Then, to add to a different blogger-on-blogger argument, I posted this.

Hi Pot, It's Kettle ...
Mon, 2007-07-09 20:50.
No apologies here, but what do you think of this report:

TUZ KHURMATO - A suicide truck bomb killed at least 150 people and wounded 250 at a busy outdoor market in the Shi’ite Turkmen village of Amerli south of of Tuz Khurmato (200 km north east of Baghdad) on Saturday morning, police said, according to Reuters and AP. Over 30 houses and 20 shops were leveled in the massive blast, and the wounded had to be transported to hospitals in Tikrit and Kirkuk because the Tuz Khurmatu hospital was understaffed, contributing to the rising death toll. Five people were still missing and unaccounted for, according to VOI. The sectarian and ethnically mixed Tuz region, sandwiched between Kirkuk and Baquba, had recently witnessed increased, deadly activity of Islamic State of Iraq militants, who were possibly on the run from military operations in Baquba and Baghdad.

Will you condemn the actual, human perpetrators for this act? Or will you justify this behavior by saying "bad policy made them do it"? Where is the condemnation of the suicide bombers, of those who encourage such depravity, of the institutions that teach it?

What of this report?

KIRKUK - Four civilians were wounded when their vehicle hit a roadside bomb 25 km west of Kirkuk, police said.

Maybe you don't think some people deserve a dignified answer, but I think planting roadside bombs is a wicked act, especially when civilians are affected by these devices.

So tell me: what have you done to change the bad policies? What would you have me do? Give me some action instead of stale posturing.

Please.
Then Peterson himself got into the act.

Tue, 2007-07-10 00:01.
The former President of Iraq was the leader of a very tyrannical and dangerous regime. No doubt about it.

Now tell me something: How is it that you and I know this? Did his regime kill people? Did it terrorize them? Did it invade foreign countries? Devote an exorbitant percentage of the national resources to building up the means of state violence, including "weapons of mass destruction"?

In other words, aren't tyrannical and dangerous regimes those that really do engage in tyrannical acts and endanger innocent people?

If so, then how would you have the world deal with regimes that do such and such things? Should the world (i.e., the international community, and coalitions of the willing) stand by and do nothing when there are clear cases of tyrannical and dangerous regimes, remaining merely passive and registering merely self-righteous and intellectually masturbatory moral indignation? Maybe even take out ads in the New York Times?

Now tell me something else: What's going on in places such as Afghanistan and Iraq today?

I don't believe that you'll need to convert to Islam to answer these questions.

But you will have to approach them honestly.

And on this count, I have grave doubts.
It’s a good response, attempting to show me the hypocrisy of my view, which was trying to show the hypocrisy of his view, and so on. But I saw his core reasoning as flawed.

Tue, 2007-07-10 12:35.
Let me respond to your last point first, in which you express your "grave doubts" about my personal ability to approach serious questions honestly (unless you were using an ambient "you," as in "everyone").

You don't know enough about me to judge my capacity for honestly approaching matters. I'll tell you this, however: I believe that objectivity is a myth. That is, there is no such thing. When you ask me to approach questions honestly, you really mean approach them from your point of view. While I can respect your point of view, I think it is not only a partial view - as they all necessarily are - but it is also a flawed view.

How are you defining terms like "tyrannical"? In these tyrannical regimes you speak of - do you dare to write their names? - who are their single rulers, the ones vested with absolute power and exercising such power unjustly or cruelly?

Define your terms wisely, sir, and then see how they apply not to one country, one ruler or one "side." To me, this seems the more honest approach. Are you willing to take it?

You ask what's going on in places such as Afghanistan or Iraq today? I say that armies are fighting there, staffed by some very good people, people you know and like; some obnoxious assholes; and some people that intend harm to you, whether or not you are sitting in an office in Chicago feeling good about your self-defined honesty.

Now, look at all of the governments directing these armies. Tell me, which one does not kill people? Which one does not terrorize either a portion of its own citizens, its neighbors or the world at large? Which one has not invaded foreign countries or supported invasion? Which one has not devoted an exorbitant percentage of national resources to building up the means of state violence?

Which government is this? Answer this and then tell me how the world should respond.
The "objectivity is a myth" bit was the really important part, but Peterson decided to duck these points and instead build a circumstantial case.
Tue, 2007-07-10 16:44.
But your original post ("That Murderous Iraqi Tyrant Should Have Been Left Alone") was dishonest. Unless you'd like to cop a plea of mere provocation. Nothing wrong with that.

So you were either sincerely provocative or -- as I suspect by your sarcasm to the effect that one tyrant in particular should have been "interfered with," and your closing remark "Tell me when it's time to convert to Islam" – you very well may object to a previous murderous Iraqi tyrant, but you don't honestly object to tyranny per se. Particularly Murderous Super Tyrants.

There is one, and only one, way to determine that a regime is tyrannical, murderous, dangerous, and the like: By what it actually does.

Question: On or about October 7, 2001, or March 18, 2003, which regimes in this world possessed both the intent and the means to conduct their affairs tyrannically, murderously, and to the endangerment of innocents? And not just internally, either. But internationally? Of course, there was more than one regime on this list. But the list is hierarchical: Some regimes would have ranked higher than others. Qualitatively as well as quantitatively so.

Another question: On July 10, 2007, which regimes in this world possess both the intent and the means to conduct their affairs tyrannically, murderously, and to the endangerment of innocents? And in exactly the same manner?

Presuming that you yourself give an honest hoot about the issues you've raised about murderous tyrants,....
The thought Peterson didn't consider? That I didn't see tyranny in the U.S. actions with respect to Iraq. This is why I responded as follows.
Tue, 2007-07-10 17:28.
Of course my original post was primarily sarcastic. Don’t be thick.

If anything, your refusal to engage the plain points of my previous post suggests that you have your own issues with the truth. You seem perfectly fine with acts of real and threatened aggression so long as the perpetrators are not American.

You accuse me of not objecting to tyranny per se; I accuse you of not objecting to aggression and hatred.

As for me, I certainly do object to tyranny. You, however, misuse the term, as tyranny generally refers to a government in which a single ruler has absolute power and exercises that power unjustly or cruelly. I don't see how the U.S. president is currently vested with absolute power, and I ask you to justify your use of the term. I don't think you can, if you're honest.

I give more than a hoot about the issues raised about murderous tyrants. Here’s a challenge for you: make a list of 5 verified tyrannical acts performed or authorized directly by Saddam Hussein. Then, list 5 comparable acts performed directly by the current U.S. president or his most recent predecessors.
I thought this was a decent challenge, but Peterson chose not to respond. Too bad. I wanted to ask on the next go-'round whether it would be preferable to be a U.S. soldier captured by the insurgents in Iraq or an Iraqi insurgent captured by U.S. soldiers. This question might have clarified some issues of where evil lies.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Scare Me Into Training

This story was one of the reasons I decided to start training more seriously for my upcoming marathons!
Triathlete died of a heart attack
He collapsed at Cohasset event
By Mac Daniel, Globe Staff July 10, 2007

A 38-year-old triathlete who died during the inaugural Cohasset Triathlon on Sunday suffered a fatal heart attack while swimming, race organizers said yesterday.

Although race organizers and police declined to identify the victim at the request of his family, records from the race identified him as Joseph J. Lyons Jr., 38, of Newton Highlands.

"We're not interested in speaking to the press at all; we have no comment," said a woman who answered the phone yesterday at Lyons's address. Cars were parked in front of the family home for much of yesterday, and neighbors contacted by phone also declined to comment.

Lyons was listed as a certified public accountant who previously lived in San Francisco.

Organizers said they were well prepared for the event and that conditions on the water were good. They said three people, including Lyons, were plucked from the water after experiencing distress during the triathlon, including a 40-year-old woman who remained hospitalized yesterday after suffering cardiac distress and a 29-year-old man who was treated and released at South Shore Hospital.

More than 700 athletes participated in the event, known as a sprint triathlon because its three events cover shorter race distances than some other triathlons, including a quarter-mile swim, 12.5-mile bike race, and 3.2-mile road race. The event drew first-time triathletes as well as more experienced participants, organizers said.

The race began at 8 a.m. Sunday with clear skies, a light wind, the temperatures in the 70s, and a water temperature of 64 degrees. It raised more than $45,000 for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

The event was sanctioned by USA Triathlon, the sport's governing body based in Colorado. Bill Burnett, the race director, said in a statement yesterday that an emergency room physician, five paramedics, and two advanced life support ambulances were on hand at Sandy Beach for the swimming leg. Three Cohasset harbormaster boats, one volunteer personal boat, and eight kayakers were also on hand, Burnett said.

Lyons was taken ashore during the first of six heats in the swim leg of the competition. After being alerted by several racers that Lyons was in distress, a harbormaster boat picked him up and took him to the beach, where he was met by emergency medical personal.

"Upon arrival at the beach the victim went into cardiac arrest," Burnett said. CPR was performed, and the victim was taken to South Shore Hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

The fatality in Cohasset has cast a spotlight on the grueling sport, which has been growing in popularity.

Lyons's death was the third in the nation this year at a sanctioned triathlon event, according to officials from USA Triathlon. The other deaths occurred at triathlons in Tampa in April and in Missouri three weeks ago, said Kathy Matejka, the group's events services director. As with Sunday's fatality, the other two occurred on the swim course. Two deaths occurred in 2006, also on the swim course. Matejka said.

Many newcomers are joining USA Triathlon's ranks, where the annual membership is expected to pass 100,000 this summer. In 2004, the group had 1,500 sanctioned events and last year surpassed 2,000 events for the first time.

Tragedies like the one in Cohasset are "something that's always on our mind," Matejka said.

Race organizers had to submit a safety plan to USA Triathlon for an event to be sanctioned. "We're extremely confident that all the preparations were done properly," she said.

With the growing popularity of triathlons , Matejka said USA Triathlon's officials have informally discussed creating a system that would require participants to have completed a number of smaller triathlons before being allowed to register for others.

Race officials said that they did not know Lyons's experience, but that the problem of novice triathletes joining the sport is a concern.

"You do need to do the right work, or you're going to put yourself at risk," said T.J. Murphy, editor in chief of Triathlete magazine. He said summer triathlons are more taxing, especially with extreme sodium loss.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Ego Is "Out of the Office"

Recently, I have decided to give my ego a vacation. I have tried to act on this as well, but I’ve been only somewhat successful. The basic idea is that I forget about my personal vanities and the whims of my heart, and just give a rest to all that “be what I want to be” stuff.

I know, it sounds strange – especially in this day and age – for one to strive to reject following his own heart’s desires. But my conclusion of late has been that no lasting goodness has ever really come to me by following my heart.

Most of my life I have insisted that “because I want to” was a good enough reason for me to undertake virtually any course of action. What’s more, I refused to have my decisions scrutinized or questioned by anyone.

So I have lived a life giving primacy to the dictates of my ego, and at 37 and a half, I am finally considering “re-assigning” my ego, not affording it broad influence over my days and nights any longer.

How will I know what to do? I’ll listen better to Torah and the sages. And I’ll improvise: before I act, I’ll pause and try to understand what seems to be happening and what’s really happening, and I’ll choose the ethical path.

Sounds easy, but already I know how difficult it is. Almost every moment of the day calls free will into the scene. Will I eat that ice cream or do some work? Will I indulge in daydreams or occupy my mind with something of value? These are choices that have to be made over and over, constantly throughout daily life.

Hopefully, writing this down and then posting it is part of the choice I am making to strive for ethical improvement. Sometimes there’s a close resemblance between the right thing to do and personal vanity. I suppose time and my labor will together reveal the true nature of this post.

Postscript, September 22, 2007: See my post, "Out of the Whirlwind." Ego stayed aboard and exacted some revenge on me.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Free Speech It Ain't

Here’s a nice, little journalistic tidbit out of Azerbaijan, an oil-rich country north of Iran:

Baku Appeals Court here Friday approved on the Preliminary Civil Court verdict against officials of Azerbaijan Republic's San'at Qezti for offending Islamic sanctities.

According to Baku media sources, the Appeals Court has rejected the appeals request filed by Rafik Taqi, the writer of the blasphemous article, and the Editor in Chief of the said biweekly, Sedaqat Uqli, both of whom have been sentenced to three- and four-year prison terms respectively.

The appeals court of the two was held in absentia of the culprits and in the presence of a jury.

The West inclined low circulated San'at Qezty that is published once every two weeks published an insulting article against Islamic sanctities, including Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) last fall, that raised the outrage and the Azeri pious individuals, intellectuals, and various political, social and cultural circles in Azerbaijan Republic ever since then.
To sum up the article: A newspaper writer and editor said something that offended a group of Muslims. They were tried, convicted, and sentenced, and their latest appeal happened without them in the courtroom. It’s unclear whether “the culprits” are in jail or hiding out in another place.

Thank goodness there was a jury hearing the case. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have been fair.

Gotta love the “West inclined low circulated” bit in this piece - way to propagandize! You must really feel secure in your way. Yeah ... really ... secure.

Whatever "blasphemy" these poor fellows wrote and authorized, it has apparently boiled the blood the Baku’s pious for something like nine months now. (Puking sounds, to be translated as moral indignation, e.g., "give me a break!")

An article like this reminds me of why I am glad to live in the United States and to have been born a Jew and not a Muslim.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Mediocrity: Underrated?

While running - slowly - this morning, I ended up having one of those epiphanies that must surely afflict all the mediocre. Maybe I'll call it "having a Salieri," after the great mediocrity portrayed in the movie Amadeus. I just realized, and acknowledged, that not only am I not as good (smart, successful, impressive, etc.) as I always thought, but I may not be that good at all in the first place.

If this is true, well, at least I won't have to worry about being an underachiever. Ha ha, very funny, ha ha.

Anyway, I decided not to resign myself to this thinking. I decided not to decide it's true. Instead, I chose to understand that my life remains in a state of transition, which makes it unfair to judge it definitively at this time.

I also felt that continuing to work hard in all things would pay off. People who really work hard and dedicate themselves to projects that connect with others ultimately become recognized as the achievers, as the ones whose lives have meaning, substance and value.

What's the bottom line? I may have a mediocre intelligence, but it's manic - that's different, at least.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Fat Again!

Yep, it's true. I'm between 178 and 180 pounds. Of course, I'm still running, but more slowly!

I'm training for Bay State again. I know I can run under 4:15 and perhaps under 4:00. I'll need to weigh under 155, though. Eating like a hog needs to stop.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

G-d, Religion, Atheism - Textuality

Happy New Year.

I hope that 2007 turns out to be less tumultuous than 2006. Some very good moments – Emily’s birth; some very bad moments – the argument with Becky on Rosh Hashanah; some success – the APMP presidency; and some hope – studying Pirkei Avot with a Chabad rabbi.

I picked up a copy of Richard Dawkins’s The G-d Delusion. It’s a good way to test and define the faith I have been working to cultivate. I won’t give his precise argument – the title of his book does that, anyway. I appreciate the challenge offered by the book, even if the voice reminds me of everything that I associate, negatively, with British intellectualism. A kind of mean-spirited, elitist polemic presented to be wit.

Yet as a result of what I have read so far, I am more and more coming to conclude that, to twist a familiar saying, “The man who believes in G-d’s existence and the man who doesn’t are both right.” Maybe G-d, the One I hope will inhabit the place I am building in my heart, will exist only for me and only in the way I “construct” him. Hence, the “delusion” that Dawkins refers to, the self-reflecting belief, or fiction, that the constructed G-d preceded the constructor and, indeed, had constructed him instead.

But maybe that G-d, in that reality, my reality, exists precisely as He should, as He always has. There is no outside-text. The universe, even the one Dawkins imagines, is a text. It is created and expressed in/through language. The textual, textualized universe depends on the conception of an external creator. This universe only is if it is authored, if it is understood to be authored.

Once the universe, any universe, is understood to be authored or even understood to be understandable, we commune and communicate with transcendence (divinity, if you will) and its intimations. G-d exists, as do each and all of us, in the text(s) we create, review, revisit, revise, erase and supplement. He appears, and moves, through a mirror in and of language; He observes, intervenes in and comments on the quotidian fiction(s) we make from Shabbat to Shabbat.

Neither science nor religion is adequate by itself to explain the universe. It is textuality that provides the necessary language and concepts, the ones that animate the others.

Happy New Year, whatever year you make.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Back for More

It's almost been one year since I last posted here. Let's see: one child, two marathons, and some marital beauty and ugliness later, now I'm posting again.

I don't know why, exactly, I would even think of coming back. I'm struggling with something. I'm just not satisfied. I'm losing confidence and feel like I'm running out of time.

Hmm ... isn't this kind of what I said last year too?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A Special Anniversary



This is a special anniversary for me.One year ago, I woke up not feeling right. Everything on me – especially my legs and lower back – felt sore, stiff, heavy and tired. The soreness and fatigue lasted throughout the day, and while I didn’t feel sick, exactly, I must have sounded it. Everyone I spoke to asked if I had a cold.

At first, I thought I had simply overexerted myself, since I had been packing up my family’s things in a move to a new house. But after two weeks of constant fatigue and soreness – which had spread to my neck, shoulders, arms and hands – I realized that something more serious was going on. Then, after work one evening, I took the socks off of my aching feet and saw that both my ankles were swollen badly – as if I had swallowed two whole oranges and each had dropped down to an ankle. To me, ankle swelling registered as a heart/circulation problem. After a terrible and sleepless night, I called my doctor.

It turned out that I had come down with an acute form of Sarcoidosis, which is basically a lung disease. Swelling in vessels of my lungs caused arthritic symptoms and fatigue. Fortunately, the prognosis was good, and with medicine and rest, I recovered in about 6 months. The disease will most likely not return, but I am always paying attention to my body now and certainly don’t take feeling good for granted.

This past March, I had a different kind of “just woke up one morning” experience. Seemingly out of the blue, I got up and felt totally committed to being more fit. The interesting thing is how the decision and the dedication were there before I even opened my eyes. Of course, I had been frustrated for some time at how heavy I was getting, how bad I looked in my clothes, how slow I had become, how fragile my back and neck always seemed to be, how easily and often I seemed to come down with sniffles and headaches, and how meek and unconfident I always felt.

But that morning, it was as if I had always been prepared to eat clean and exercise. I immediately started making better choices in meals and food shopping, and I started a home strength and conditioning routine. Every day, I followed along with videotapes of abs and either an arm or leg toning workout. Eventually, my workout needs grew and I got some dumbbells, a bench, a jump rope, a standing punching bag and gloves, and some new running shoes. I have since lost 25 pounds, run 2 road races, and improved considerably in strength and stamina.

This weekend, my two-and-a-half-year-old just woke up and said that she wanted to wear underpants and no more diapers. Just like that she became a big girl. Honestly, I am a little sad to lose another of the baby aspects of my daughter, but I am more proud of her than anything. Who knows what other decisions she’ll announce in mornings of the future.

I guess that momentous changes and life-decisions can happen by just waking up.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Diet and Cancer

Nothing really surprising here, interesting nonetheless.
Study: Diet may help fight prostate cancer
By Lauran Neergaard, AP Medical Writer | August 11, 2005

WASHINGTON --A radical ultra low-fat diet and other lifestyle changes may help keep early-stage prostate cancer from worsening, says the first attempt to test the theory.

It's a small study that tracked men whose tumors weren't aggressive. Still, the research, published in the September issue of The Journal of Urology, promises to increase interest in whether diet might really help battle cancer.

The study was led by heart-health guru Dr. Dean Ornish, and used his famously strict regimen, where people become vegetarians, limit dietary fat to 10 percent of total calories, exercise regularly and learn stress-management techniques such as yoga.

Ornish's studies show that regimen can help heart disease, but why try it on prostate cancer? There is some evidence that diets high in fat increase the risk of prostate cancer, and that certain foods -- such as broccoli, or the nutrient lycopene from cooked tomato products -- are protective.

So Ornish and fellow researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, recruited 93 men who had decided against treatment for early-stage prostate cancer, a route known as "watchful waiting."

Half were randomly assigned to the Ornish diet and lifestyle regimen; the others weren't asked to vary their usual routines. The researchers sent participants' blood samples to Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York to measure PSA, or prostate specific antigen, a marker used to track prostate cancer growth.

After one year, PSA levels had decreased 4 percent in the diet group -- unusual for untreated patients -- while PSA levels rose by 6 percent in the control group. That difference wasn't big but it's statistically significant, and the researchers plan to continue tracking the men to see if it really signals better health.

Also, six of the non-dieters had undergone cancer treatment in that year after all, because their disease was progressing. None of the dieters were treated.

Other cellular tests suggested the diet wasn't just affecting PSA production, Ornish said.

"It's hard to get too excited about these results because you took a population of men who, frankly, are likely to do well no matter what," cautioned Dr. Durado Brooks of the American Cancer Society. But, "this definitely should open the door to more research."

"This report undoubtedly will excite the aficionados and devotees of lifestyle changes for cancer but it should also give pause to the skeptics," wrote Dr. Paul Lange of the University of Washington in an accompanying editorial.

Indeed, it comes just months after another study suggested low-fat diets might help women avoid a recurrence of breast cancer.

Ornish stressed that his study, partly government-funded, doesn't mean men should opt for diet over conventional therapy.

But these men weren't getting conventional treatment anyway, allowing a clearer test of dietary effects, he explained. The diet may help men undergoing therapy, too, he added.

"I always find it amusing" that people call the diet hard, Ornish said. "Compared to having your prostate removed? ... The only side effects are you feel better and it helps prevent heart disease."

More than 230,000 U.S. men are expected to be diagnosed with prostate cancer this year, and 29,500 will die, the cancer society estimates.
Imagine, good dietary habits can help keep you healthy and poor ones seem to have the opposite effect!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Who's Your Daddy?

I'm sorry, but this is just funny. I just imagine half the dads in America seriously asking their "kids," Who the fuck are you, anyway?

Many Dads Unknowingly Raising Others' Kids
Increase in paternity testing reveals 1 in 25 men raising children not their own, study says

By Steven Reinberg
HealthDay Reporter


THURSDAY, Aug. 11 (HealthDayNews) -- Calling it a Pandora's Box with broad health implications, British researchers say genetic testing is informing about 4 percent of fathers that a child they are raising is not their own.

The implications are huge, the study authors noted, because such revelations often lead to divorce and increased mental health problems for both the man and woman involved, including the threat of violence by the man.

In addition, children whose lives are changed by this genetic information can struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, and increased antisocial behavior, such as aggression.

And the problem will only grow more serious as genetic testing is used for more and more purposes, including screening for organ donations and checking for genetic-based diseases such as cancer, cystic fibrosis and heart disease, the researchers said. In addition, such testing is becoming more common in police investigations.

What's needed, the researchers said, is clearer guidance on when and how to disclose such information. They believe individual and family support services and counseling should become part of paternity-testing procedures.

"At the moment, people are often receiving the results of paternity testing through e-mail and post," said lead researcher Mark Bellis, a professor of public health at the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moores University.

"People are receiving what can be pretty dramatic information without being linked into health or counseling or support services," he added. "In addition, people are coming forward in more and more numbers each year to have paternity testing done."

The report appears in the August issue of the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

The authors said they based their findings on international published scientific research and conference abstracts released between 1950 and 2004.

The study found that rates of "paternal discrepancy" range on average from less than 1 percent to as high as 30 percent, depending on the group of people looked at. For women, those who are younger, poorer or have multiple sex partners are more likely to bear a child who wasn't fathered by a long-time partner, the researchers said.

An average paternal discrepancy rate of 4 percent means about one in 25 families could be affected, the researchers said.

To determine the extent of the problem, Bellis and his colleagues collected data on increasing rates of paternity testing in North America and Europe. For example, in the United States, rates more than doubled to 310,490 between 1991 and 2001, they noted.

In Great Britain, about one-third of pregnancies are unplanned, and about one in five women in long-term relationships has had an extramarital affair, the researchers reported. These are similar to figures in other developed countries, they noted.

Yet there is a lack of support services to help people who find out about a parental discrepancy from a paternity test. "Finding out a child does not belong to them [the fathers] can have effects in terms of breakup of families and issues of safety and well-being of the child and women," Bellis said.

Bellis believes that giving counseling and support to these families needs to be considered. "We need to think about how that can be delivered," he said.

He added, "In genetic testing for health conditions, in police investigations, all these can identify discrepancies in family genetics, but there is no consideration if it is a good thing or a bad thing to let the families know about those [discrepancies]."

One expert thinks the study highlights the social downside of emerging technologies.

"Not surprisingly, the disclosure of information about unsuspected paternity comes with potentially devastating effects," said Dr. David L. Katz, an associate clinical professor of public health and director of the Prevention Research Center at Yale University School of Medicine.

"But does that mean such information should be concealed when it is a byproduct of testing for other reasons? When should paternity testing be permissible, and at the request of whom?" he added.

New knowledge means new power, but not necessarily the power to use it correctly, Katz said.

"Bellis and colleagues suggest that genetic testing has provided the power to lift a lid off Pandora's Box," he said. "As they rightly point out, it will take something other than power -- namely wisdom -- to respond productively, fairly and compassionately to all that comes flying out."

More information

The American Pregnancy Association can tell you more about paternity testing.

SOURCES: Mark Bellis, Ph.D., professor, public health, Centre for Public Health, Liverpool John Moores University, Liverpool, England; David L. Katz, M.D., M.P.H., associate clinical professor, public health, director, Prevention Research Center, Yale University School of Medicine, New Haven, Conn.; August 2005 Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health

Last Updated: Aug-11-2005

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Learning From Lance

Interesting article. So interesting, in fact, that I won't comment.
By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN
Published: July 27, 2005
There is no doubt that Lance Armstrong's seventh straight victory in the Tour de France, which has prompted sportswriters to rename the whole race the Tour de Lance, makes him one of the greatest U.S. athletes of all time. What I find most impressive about Armstrong, besides his sheer willpower to triumph over cancer, is the strategic focus he brings to his work, from his prerace training regimen to the meticulous way he and his cycling team plot out every leg of the race. It is a sight to behold. I have been thinking about them lately because their abilities to meld strength and strategy - to thoughtfully plan ahead and to sacrifice today for a big gain tomorrow - seem to be such fading virtues in American life.

Sadly, those are the virtues we now associate with China, Chinese athletes and Chinese leaders. Talk to U.S. business executives and they'll often comment on how many of China's leaders are engineers, people who can talk to you about numbers, long-term problem-solving and the national interest - not a bunch of lawyers looking for a sound bite to get through the evening news. America's most serious deficit today is a deficit of such leaders in politics and business.

John Mack, the new C.E.O. at Morgan Stanley, initially demanded in the contract he signed June 30 that his total pay for the next two years would be no less than the average pay package received by the C.E.O.'s at Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns. If that average turned out to be more than $25 million, Mr. Mack was to be paid at least that much. He eventually backed off that demand after a howl of protest, but it struck me as the epitome of what is wrong in America today.

We are now playing defense. A top C.E.O. wants to be paid not based on his performance, but based on the average of his four main rivals! That is like Lance Armstrong's saying he will race only if he is guaranteed to come in first or second, no matter what his cycling times are on each leg.

I recently spent time in Ireland, which has quietly become the second-richest country in the E.U., first by going through some severe belt-tightening that meant everyone had to sacrifice, then by following that with a plan to upgrade the education of its entire work force, and a strategy to recruit and induce as many global high-tech companies and researchers as possible to locate in Ireland. The Irish have a plan. They are focused. They have mobilized business, labor and government around a common agenda. They are playing offense.

Wouldn't you think that if you were president, after you'd read the umpteenth story about premier U.S. companies, like Intel and Apple, building their newest factories, and even research facilities, in China, India or Ireland, that you'd summon the top U.S. business leaders to Washington to ask them just one question: "What do we have to do so you will keep your best jobs here? Make me a list and I will not rest until I get it enacted."

And if you were president, and you had just seen more suicide bombs in London, wouldn't you say to your aides: "We have got to reduce our dependence on Middle East oil. We have to do it for our national security. We have to do it because only if we bring down the price of crude will these countries be forced to reform. And we should want to do it because it is clear that green energy solutions are the wave of the future, and the more quickly we impose a stringent green agenda on ourselves, the more our companies will lead innovation in these technologies."

Instead, we are about to pass an energy bill that, while it does contain some good provisions, will make no real dent in our gasoline consumption, largely because no one wants to demand that Detroit build cars that get much better mileage. We are just feeding Detroit the rope to hang itself. It's assisted suicide. I thought people went to jail for that?

And if you were president, would you really say to the nation, in the face of the chaos in Iraq, that "if our commanders on the ground say we need more troops, I will send them," but that they had not asked? It is not what the generals are asking you, Mr. President - it is what you are asking them, namely: "What do you need to win?" Because it is clear we are not winning, and we are not winning because we have never made Iraq a secure place where normal politics could emerge.

Oh, well, maybe we have the leaders we deserve. Maybe we just want to admire Lance Armstrong, but not be Lance Armstrong. Too much work. Maybe that's the wristband we should be wearing: Live wrong. Party on. Pay later.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

More Media Fraud and Puppetry

Injustice and unfairness take many forms, but at an intellectual level they are particularly (ob)noxious when given the form of journalistic essay. David Gelertner, Yale professor and senior fellow at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem, commits several acts of intellectual injustice in his commentary on reported statements by Woody Allen.

Gelertner’s “Woody Allen's History Goes Nowhere ... And It Doesn't Explain Natan Sharansky” begins the assault by labeling Allen along political-ideological lines:
Woody Allen (liberal) and Natan Sharansky (conservative) are celebrity Jewish intellectuals who offer radically different worldviews for your contemplation. Allen’s is more popular with intellectuals worldwide. Sharansky's whole life says that Allen is wrong. Allen recently explained his view of history to the German magazine Der Spiegel. And Sharansky was interviewed by Jay Nordlinger of the National Review. If you understand their disagreement, you will grasp the main spiritual question facing Americans today.
Don’t be fooled: this is not about the real Natan Sharansky. The “Natan Sharansky” here is a rhetorical puppet used to represent correctness, propriety, and value. This is not even about Woody Allen or his worldview. It is, really, about Gelertner and a spiritual answer he needs to have, an answer he must know to be right.

Through the Allen-Sharansky puppet show, Gelertner first seeks to minimize Allen and glorify the ideological position represented by Sharansky:
Allen, 69, is a filmmaker from Brooklyn. Sharansky, 57, was a political prisoner in the Soviet gulag; today he is an Israeli politician.
Notice how provincial Allen looks next to Sharansky, a man of two nations. Notice how mercantile Allen seems beside the stately Sharansky. Gelertner deftly sets up Allen as a clown whose time has passed, as a relic and a Jewish Uncle Tom to the Europeans. Indeed, Allen’s popularity in Europe must surely make any statement of his wrong, Anti-American, Anti-Israel, and Anti-Judaism.
Allen got famous as the anti-hero of his own movies, the schnook who invites the world to laugh at him while he gets the girl anyway. He has become the master comedian of the age, so funny he hasn't found it necessary to make a joke in 30 years. During this time his movies have dispensed with mere humor in favor of gentle, carefully-crafted tedium. He is especially popular in Europe, where people enjoy well-written films, prefer literate irony to childish comedy, and never object to a Jew making a fool of himself.
Here, then, is the conclusion: Allen is a fool, liberals are fools, liberalism is foolish. Now that this has been firmly established, Gelertner gives us Allen’s statements from a recent interview in Der Spiegel. More importantly, we get Gelertner’s take on the statements:
"The history of the world," he told Der Spiegel, "is like: He kills me, I kill him." (Of course he was speaking casually, off the cuff.)" Only with different cosmetics and different castings: So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other. Political questions, if you go back thousands of years, are ephemeral, not important. History is the same thing over and over again."

If history is merely a bad movie endlessly repeating itself, then history is meaningless. If all killing amounts to the same thing, you can't possibly save the world by fighting wars. Allen doesn't say these things but plainly implies them.

These ideas are important: Americans must decide whether they are fools to fight for other people's freedom. The Iraq war was partly inspired by none other than Natan Sharansky — who passionately preaches that free people must battle tyranny militarily. Referring to Sharansky's "The Case for Democracy," President Bush said: "If you want a glimpse of how I think about foreign policy, read Natan Sharansky's book."
Notice that Gelertner first challenges (what he takes to be) Allen’s view of history by caricaturing some of the view’s implications, which Gelertner says are “plainly” made. This is an interesting tactic because it keeps intact the core premise of Allen’s statements on history. If Gelertner can establish that the implications are logically or morally wrong, then he can more easily discredit Allen’s statements, which are of course already suspect because Allen has been made a questionable character.

But even if Allen “plainly implies” them, the critical ideas – the ones that get bashed – are in fact those that must actually be attributed to Gelertner: “If history is merely a bad movie endlessly repeating itself, then history is meaningless. If all killing amounts to the same thing, you can't possibly save the world by fighting wars.” The only thing that’s plain to me is that these statements make no logical sense. What is the connection supposed to be between the historical fact of repeated human warfare – and history is as much the history of wars as anything else, is it not? – and the meaning that this or that Herbert ascribes to it? In other words, why would the repetition evacuate the meaning from history? Nietzsche suggested that endless repetition actually made life meaningful.

The second statement is pure theatre -- rhetorical thunder, but too ridiculous for comment. Clearly, Gelertner needs history to have meaning. He needs to believe that the world can be saved, and that wars are one way to do it. I cannot answer why he has these needs, but I think I understand them. Nevertheless, emotion and ideology seem to have overwhelmed Gelertner’s logic and intellectual rigor; otherwise, sweeping terms such as “meaningless” and “save the world,” which are utterly vacuous in context, would never have made it to print.

Gelertner certainly displays keen insight in connecting the “endless repetition of killing and retaliation killing” to the current conflict between Americans and terrorist insurgents in Iraq. Unfortunately, Gelertner apparently forgets that we went to Iraq under the pretense of an imminent threat to America: Saddam Hussein had, or was taking clear steps to obtain, nuclear warfare capabilities. Fighting “for other people's freedom” may be the official agenda now, in addition to preventing all of America’s new and old enemies from taking power in Iraq, but I don’t see how this contradicts Allen’s statements at all. Gelertner, of course, disagrees:
Allen's theory implies that we are crazy to fight in Iraq. True, Saddam Hussein and his rape rooms and torture shops and killing grounds have been washed away like gore off a butcher-shop floor; all the same, history is going nowhere. Whether you kill a man while liberating his country or because you are Saddam Hussein just fooling around, he is equally dead. America had no better excuse than Hussein to kill Iraqis.
Argumentatively, this is the essay’s heart. The monumental question is whether America’s military presence in Iraq has a unique, differentiating validity – in other words, if it’s justified. Gelertner is obviously trying to steer us in the direction of “we are logically and morally correct to be in Iraq.” And he attempts to get us there through some philosophical bullying: do you prefer to see yourself living in a world where history is going "nowhere" or "somewhere"?

This, however, is where Gelertner commits an important injustice against Allen. Forget that history is not, in fact, "going" anywhere and that Gelertner has let a metaphor overtake him. Forget also that if "Allen's theory" describes a cyclical, repetitive history, then it too depicts history as going somewhere. Based on the one quote of Allen’s that is provided, “Allen’s theory” does not evaluate the political questions behind individual wars against each other, it states that relative to many thousands of years of human history, these questions are unimportant. “Allen’s theory” comments on what appears to be an endlessly recurring human theme of military attack-retaliate-attack-retaliate, but it doesn’t suggest that some attacks and some retaliations are not more justified, more necessary, or more moral than others. In other words, “Allen’s theory” does not match with Allen’s quoted statement, and this is unfair.

The shame of it is that Gelertner’s support for American involvement in Iraq could have been articulated within the actual parameters of “Allen’s theory.” But this would have required acknowledging that Iraq is both a retaliatory and an initiatory military engagement. This would have required accepting that we are killing Iraqis, some of whom are very bad people.

Unfortunately, Gelertner chooses instead to construct, using Sharansky, a more palatable view of history:
But Sharansky knows that as language expresses human thoughts, history expresses deeds — which (like thoughts) are sometimes nonsense and sometimes meaningful. The collapse of the Soviet Union, for example, meant that innumerable freedom lovers had struggled and suffered and won.

Sharansky himself spent more than 10 years in Soviet prisons — because he was a dissident, had worked with other dissidents and yearned to go to Israel. Nordlinger writes about Sharansky's imprisonment: "More than 400 of those days were spent in punishment cells; more than 200 were spent on hunger strikes. His refusal to concede anything to the Soviets was almost superhuman."

Sharansky was prepared to die for freedom. He saw fellow dissidents die. Don't tell him that all killing is the same, that history is going nowhere. He rode history's bucking bronco from a Soviet cell to a Jewish state that is strong enough (physically, spiritually) to fight off insatiable enemies in war after war and never surrender.
Notice that by this point, Gelertner has not given us one word of “Sharansky’s theory,” only testimonial from President Bush and some anecdote. It’s the lowest point of the article, Gelertner as snake-oil salesman. Then, of course, Gelertner completes the character assassination of Woody Allen, with a Sharansky quote brought in for good measure:
I don't know Allen's view of religion. But the idea that history repeats itself endlessly, that no utopian "end of days" will ever come, that existence is a grim, meaningless merry-go-round nicely compliments atheism. The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche called this view (which he also held) "the eternal recurrence." Nietzsche was the wisest atheist of all. But again, Sharansky disagrees. As a Soviet prisoner he invented a prayer: "Grant me the strength, the power, the intelligence and the patience to leave this jail and reach the land of Israel in an honest and worthy way." The prayer was granted. For Sharansky, his personal history means nothing less than that G-d is listening.

Is that meaning enough for Woody Allen?
There is an interesting theological question in here: if everything we believe about G-d and Judaism and the world/universe is true, but there is no afterlife, is history meaningless? In other words, do our lives require an afterlife for meaning? Is the fact of living not meaning enough? Dayenu?

This article is a glaring example of journalistic irresponsibility. Gelertner had a topic of merit and substance, and chose a rhetorical path of manipulation and obfuscation. In America, we trust that those giving commentary on current events will provide fact-based insight and perspectives that transcend political trends. For whatever reasons, David Gelertner chose a less distinguished approach for this essay. It’s the kind of writing we can only hope does not get repeated endlessly.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Hardest Part

As Tom Petty sang once, "the waiting is the hardest part."

I sit here, tired of my job, waiting on UJAHS and "Hannah's Moon." I feel really good about the decisions for both, where I sent them. I think sending them to bigger publishers improves my chances of having one or both accepted.

I am also waiting on the decision from the Worcester Business Journal, whether I have been selected as one of the 40 under 40. That would be a nice award to have.

So too do I wait as I figure out how to pitch Adam, Monica, Josh and Melody about going into business with Becky and me. My parents raise a good point about not having an actual business to picth, but I think starting from total scratch can work to our advantage -- if they don't think negatively and laugh me out of the room.

Tick, tock, tick, tock ...

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Next “Big” Diet Thing?

I predict that the Palm Beach Narcissism Diet, soon to be released as a book, will be the next ubiquitous diet sensation in this country. It's distinguishing focus is on a "healthy narcissism" that leads the way for the practice and performance of the diet principles, which are themselves very similar to other currently fashionable plans (e.g. South Beach).

People love pop psychology and self-visualization. And legitimation of narcissism is probably too good to resist.

Seriously, my initial impression of the diet is cautious approval. The principles seem reasonable and sound, but some of the terminology puts me off a bit. What I would like to see is a basis in research and published studies.

Something else that makes me skeptical is this this article that feels too much like an advertisement, like a one of those Bush Administration-funded "news" reports:

John Murray says you can
LOVE YOURSELF SKINNY
with the Palm Beach Narcissism Diet


By Jane Daugherty
Pulitzer Prize Finalist and Palm Beach Post Staff Writer

Thursday, July 07, 2005

One of those rude, middle-aged awakenings punched sports psychologist John F. Murray right in the solar plexus.

There he was on network television being interviewed as an expert who resurrects star athletes' careers. But watching the replay, Murray realized he looked like, well, the Michelin tire man.
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What is the Palm Beach Narcissism Diet?
It's a state of mind, a way of motivating yourself, and a diet plan. Principle No. 11 of John F. Murray's Palm Beach Narcissism Diet is, 'Remind yourself several times a day what weight you want to be in four months. That probably involves thinking about yourself more than you are accustomed to, but it is healthy narcissism.'

The Palm Beach Narcissism Diet book will be available later this year at http://www.JohnFMurray.com, but 12 key principles from the program appear on page 4E of original article or by scrolling down below. Color photos from Dr. Murray's office by Palm Beach Post staff photographer Bill Ingram appear on the top of the front page and in the ACCENT section.
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From the pain of that moment, the Palm Beach Narcissism Diet was born. Murray, 43, who lives in Jupiter, applied the same motivation he used on flagging tennis and football careers to reshaping his own body. He calls it "healthy narcissism," a focus on loving yourself enough to make lifestyle changes and stick to them because you'll look and feel better if you're not fat.

Murray is not alone: An estimated two out of three adult Americans are overweight or obese. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in April released figures attributing more than 100,000 deaths a year to obesity. Being overweight also is blamed for contributing to adult-onset diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, stroke and some forms of cancer.

But with Americans already spending $33 billion annually on weight loss foods, products and services, according to the American Dietetic Association, is another diet needed? Current popular plans include the Atkins Diet, Suzanne Somers' Get Skinny on Fabulous Food, The Zone Diet, and, of course, the still hot South Beach Diet.

Murray decided none of those diets would work for him in the long run because they lack the mental focus that makes sports psychology successful for star athletes.

"It wasn't just my food intake that was messed up... I was jetting to London to do a seminar, hopping out to California to give a speech, running down to Miami for a coaches meeting," Murray recalled in his West Palm Beach office just off the Intracoastal Waterway.

"I'd grab some ribs for dinner at a great restaurant, eat fast food for lunch in my car, consume way too many calories for breakfast, and the only exercise I got was walking to my car."

Murray, almost Ken-doll handsome when he is trim at 175 pounds, went from looking like the ex-tennis pro he is to a middle-aged pudge who tipped the scales at 261 in January.

So he stewed, brooded and went through some self-loathing — none of which was productive, Murray says in retrospect.

Then he began to mentally convert some of the principles he included in his book, Smart Tennis, to winning his battle with the bulge.

Murray recalled his work with tennis pro Vince Spadea. In the middle of a huge slump, Spadea came to Murray for help. Ranked 19th in the world in 1999, Spadea had lost 21 matches in a row and, by 2001, his ranking had fallen to 229th.

"I had to convince him that as tough as things can get, the mind is tougher," Murray said, "Spadea was ready to quit tennis. The thrill was gone. He lived for a year and a half in a cellar. He seriously needed to believe in himself again."

Spadea, 30, won his first ATP tournament last season in Scottsdale, Ariz., beating Boca Raton's Andy Roddick in the semifinals. Spadea ended last year ranked 18th in the world.

"In a way, my experience in confronting my weight was similar. I had to finally admit that I was the one who was doing this to myself," Murray said, "And on some level it was, because I cared about everything else more. My work, my family, my travel arrangements, all were more important than what I was eating and drinking."

His doctoral work at the University of Florida introduced him to various modern-day pathologies, including narcissistic personality disorder, in which normal development is arrested and a person comes to focus all their efforts on gratifying and aggrandizing their false sense of self.

"It dawned on me that if you could focus in a positive way on your health and weight to cultivate a healthy narcissism, it could lead to dietary and exercise choices that make you feel better about yourself," Murray said.

He also decided that he had to cut off excuses and escape paths.

"I set a very ambitious goal to lose 2-2.5 pounds a week and posted it on my Web site and sent it to my newsletter audience of over 15,000 people," he said. "That's pretty much hanging it out there along with my 'fat picture.' If I fail to lose weight, it will be very public. A little fear of failure comes in handy. I post my weight on my Web site every Wednesday — that public exposure helps keep me motivated."

Murray's approach is dramatically different from the high-protein, low-carb Atkins diet, and has a much larger psychological component than the very successful South Beach Diet.

"Contrary to what most other diet programs say, I think you should weigh yourself daily at the same time in the morning," he said, "By weighing each day you will know how hard to be on yourself each day, which is better than waiting for a whole week to weigh again."

He advocates enlisting family and friends to support healthy eating and exercise and getting an informal coach who will check on your progress two or three times a week.

"Your family has to be on your side in this — and in the end they benefit, too," he said.

Diet experts weigh in
The intellectual approach of the Palm Beach Narcissism Diet makes a lot of sense to Barbara J. Moore, Ph.D. and president and CEO of Shape Up America!. Moore heads the national nonprofit initiative designed to raise awareness of the importance of healthy eating and increased physical activity founded by former U.S. Surgeon C. Everett Koop in 1994.

Not much has been written about the psychological areas of successful weight management that Murray is talking about, Moore told The Palm Beach Post, "One, weight management requires the right mind set.

"Attitude is everything... Not nearly enough information is available about the right mind set. For example, consider the typical attitude that demands instant gratification: It took years to gain the 30 pounds you are carrying around, but you want to lose it all in 30 days? Accepting that slow weight loss will probably characterize your journey is part of the process of recovery that Murray seems to allude to."

Moore, a former professor of nutrition at Rutgers University who headed program development for Weight Watchers International, worked at the National Institutes of Health on government weight-loss promotion efforts immediately before joining Shape Up, America!. She said one of the things she likes best about Murray's approach is toughness.

"Discipline is not a dirty word," she said, "It is essential for weight management." Murray likely knows a great deal about that because discipline is essential in sports performance.

"Mental toughness is needed to stay focused and to say no to the distractions that will encourage you to make bad choices... Murray gets that."

The food consumption recommended in Murray's diet "seems fundamentally sound," said Dr. Beth Reames, a professor of nutrition at Louisiana State University's AGCenter Reames has researched and written extensively on fad diets.

Asked about the key components of the Palm Beach Narcissism Diet, Reames said, "He's not going for the quick fix, it includes regular exercise and healthy foods in reasonable portions."

Reames said her research shows that most American adults need an hour of physical activity a day to maintain a healthy weight.

"There's no easy solution," she said, "It's a lifetime commitment and diets that recognize that can be successful."

The skinny

Specifically, Murray advocates eating three balanced meals a day with little or no snacking and little or no alcohol consumption. He doesn't drink, but says for those who do can have an occasional glass of wine with dinner if their weight loss progress is good.

Like South Beach and Atkins diets, Murray regards refined sugar, potatoes and bleached white flour as enemy combatants which can be virtually eliminated from adult diets with no ill effects.

He favors fruit, especially melons, berries and tomatoes, as part of a healthy breakfast with egg white omelets or yogurt for protein. Lunch should usually include plenty of fresh greens in a salad topped with grilled chicken or shrimp. Broiled fish, lean beef or skinless chicken with ample portions of steamed vegetables, especially broccoli and carrots, are his usual dinner.

Use olive oil for cooking, he said, and avoid butter, cream and sauces with high sugar or salt content. Mustard, balsamic vinegar, lime or lemon juice and a little low-sodium soy sauce add flavor without significant calories or salt, he said.

Murray said he also discovered that his weight loss has been hastened by drinking lots of water and dramatically reducing consumption of coffee, tea and soft drinks, which contain caffeine that stimulates appetite.

Does the Palm Beach Narcissism Diet really work? So far, Murray is down to 215 pounds, a loss of more than 45 pounds in less than four months. The real test may come on Sept. 15 when he promises to tip the scales at 185. By Christmas, he wants to be back to his pro tennis-playing weight of 175 — "that will be my Christmas present to myself," he said with a narcissistic wink.

Principles of the The Palm Beach Narcissism Diet

1. Love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of health and fitness. Do not condemn yourself to obesity if you can control your weight through an improved lifestyle.

2. Imagine the benefits of weight loss vividly. Visualize yourself as extremely fit and healthy.

3. Set very specific goals for weight loss with a deadline date and exact weight to reach. Set goals to lose anywhere from 1-2.5 pounds a week - men lose weight faster than women. Contrary to what most other diet programs say, weigh yourself daily at the same time in the morning on a good scale.

4. Make your goals so conspicuous that you have absolutely no escape route! Tell people your goal. A litle fear of failure here comes in handy.

5. Eat a healthy and balanced diet. Do not deprive yourself of any important nutrients or minerals. But stick to 3 meals a day - period! Cut out unhealthy sugars and keep overall carbs low. Do not snack, or if you do, keep snacks rare and healthy.

6. Drink lots of water and eliminate or dramatically reduce your intake of coffee, tea and soft drinks, which contain caffeine that stimulates appetite and may also have additives that cause water retention. Eat mostly egg whites cooked with vegetables or unsweetened yogurt for breakfast with fresh fruit. Have chicken or shrimp salads for lunch with fat free dressing. Make your dinners modest meals with occasional lean steak, fish or skinless chiecken with steamed vegetables and brown rice. Eliminate alcohol except for an occasional glass of win with dinner.

7. Gain the support of your friends and family. Let them know your mission so they can support you. Be clear that you may not be eating as much at big family get togethers. Avoid the mental trap of saying, "Oh, just this once!" But if you do make a mistake, make up for it the next day by being harder on yourself = without starving - but cutting back your food intake and/or exercising more.

8. Appoint one very positive person to check in with you several times a week to make sure you are on track. Find someone who can be consistently upbeat and encouraging, but also tough in terms of making sure you are avoiding snacking.

9. Walk, walk, walk! Try to walk at least 30 minutes at a brisk pace at least 4 times a week - more often is better. Make sure you are healthy enough to do this by checking with your physician first. Make sure to drink enough water to avoid dehydration.

10. Keep your mind focused on your goal. Remind yourself several times a day what weight you want to be in four months. That probably involves thinking about yourself more than you are accustomed to, but it is healthy narcissism.

11. Don't stop! After you lose the weight, continue in your lifestyle changes to keep your weight below a certain fixed number. Looking good and feeling good will motivate you.

12. Utilize the principles of sports psychology: bring passion, hard work, resilience, focus, confidence, emotional control, imagery, and goal setting to your diet.

There is more information on this healthy program at: http://www.NarcissismDiet.com

Palm Beach Narcissism Diet Principles Copyright © 2005, John F. Murray, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Dr. Murray can be reached by telephone at: 561-596-9898

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Which Ten Commandments?

This is an interesting article, from FortWayne.com. The big, unasked question concerns whether a public display of one "version" of the Commandments -- if "version" is the correct interpretation -- effectively or implicitly grants government sanction to one religious denomination or faith.

Posted on Wed, Jul. 06, 2005

Which faith's Ten Commandments is court talking about, and does it matter?

BY ART JESTER
Knight Ridder Newspapers

(KRT) - Which Ten Commandments are at issue?

After all, there is not one version of God's historic instructions to Israel, but at least four.

This multiplicity of texts, noted in the U.S. Supreme Court's rulings on posting the Ten Commandments in public places, gives rise to a theological and biblical dilemma at least as ambiguous as the high court's legal ruling.

The version of the Ten Commandments usually cited is in Exodus 20 in the Hebrew Bible, or the Old Testament.

It was written after 586 B.C., after the destruction of Solomon's Temple and when Israel was in its Babylonian exile, said Jerry Sumney, professor of the Old Testament at Lexington Theological Seminary, operated by the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ).

There are similar versions of the Ten Commandments in Deuteronomy 5 and in Exodus 34, although the latter is mentioned less often.

From this have developed versions of the Ten Commandments for the Jewish, Roman Catholic, Protestant and Lutheran traditions.

Probably the biggest difference is in the First Commandment. The Judaic version reads: "I am the Lord thy God, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery."

The Catholic version says: "I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me," while the Protestant text says: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

The difference is crucial, said Rabbi Sharon Cohen of Lexington's Ohavay Zion Synagogue, a congregation of Conservative Judaism.

The First Commandment is the "ultimate statement of faith" about God's "unimpeachable, sovereign authority," Cohen said.

"You cannot have these other rules until you acknowledge that God is the force behind it," she said. "Then, everything that follows in the Ten Commandments makes sense."

Bill T. Arnold, director of Hebrew studies and professor of Old Testament and Semitic languages at Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, agreed that the First Commandment in Judaism was needed "to combat the polytheism" of the ancient world and to connect Jews to God's deliverance of them from bondage in Egypt.

But Arnold, who earned his doctorate from Hebrew Union College in Cincinnati, said the omission of "I am the Lord thy God" by Protestants was not intended as a slight to Judaism.

"We assume that is in the prologue" in the Protestant text, Arnold said.

Another big difference is in the interpretation of the Sabbath.

Sumney noted, as did Walter Brueggemann, a retired professor of the Old Testament at Columbia Theological Seminary in Decatur, Ga., and one of the world's foremost scholars in his field, that for Judaism, the Sabbath means Saturday, or technically from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday.

"Christians celebrate the saving act of God in the resurrection of Jesus, which was on Sunday," Sumney said.

This difference is puzzling and ironic, Sumney said, because the people most in favor of posting the Ten Commandments believe in a literal reading of Scripture.

The debate about the Ten Commandments is not likely end soon.

Said Brueggemann: "The Ten Commandments are non-negotiable and endlessly negotiated," he said.

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ABOUT THE WRITER

Art Jester is a reporter for the Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Movin' On Down the Road

Here are the results from Hingham’s 2005 July 4 Road Race, a 4.6 mile tradition:

Me: 44:36, 9:42 split
Adam: 43:44 9:30 split

So, I didn’t beat Adam, even though he did not train for the race – as far as I know. Nevertheless, I am very proud on several counts.

I wanted to come in under 48:20, which I did. I wanted to do better than 10-minute splits, which I did (much better than my 10:30 splits for the Westford 5K). I was afraid of my calf cramping up, and it didn’t. I was afraid of shin splints, and I didn’t get any. I was afraid of having a stupid injury, a back twinge or a neck pull, and there was nothing there. My mind and body held strong, so this race was a great success for me.

What’s next?

I think I am going to train for a 10 mile run. That would be a great accomplishment if I could train for and complete that sort of race. Doing better than 9:30 splits would be simply awesome – confirmation that I am undoubtedly in the best shape of my life.

What’s more, I have an idea to present to my brothers and their wives. I think the six of us – Melody, Josh, Monica, Adam, Becky, and Me – should commit to creating our own company and going into business. What sort of business? I don’t know. But what I do know is that between the six of us are a lot of experience, knowledge, creativity, skill, and brain power. As a group, we can only succeed if we decide to go for something and proceed systematically. I don’t see how we could so anything but succeed.

My plan this week is to develop a rough plan to propose to them.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Blah, Blah, Blah

I am absolutely amazed at the load of crap that is my occupation. Not that I hate it or my company, but sometimes I just realize that I am a man in a cubicle just kind of passing the time away.

I have made a few inquiries into the topic of being a Dietician/Nutritionist. I am not so hot on the idea as I once was, mainly because I am reluctant to go heavy into any new educational ventures. I also think I have a preference for sports nutrition. I have contacted one Dietician, so maybe I’ll get a good sense from her.

I decided to pull “Hannah’s Moon” away from Stunt Publishing. The process was taking too long. I submitted this morning to Henry Holt. I know it’s a good text; at least, I believe in it. It’ll get published right and I don’t think I’ll stop until it does.

UJAHS went out again also, this time to Putnam. I feel optimistic that the big publishers will be able to use the manuscripts more than the smaller ones, who have niche markets.

I weighed in today at 163.5 pounds, which I haven’t seen in many years. I feel very good and strong overall, but I have to get better-fitting clothes now!!

On the other hand, Becky still has her depression. I am not exasperated or disheartened by what seems to me to be a lack of any real improvement over the past year. What bothers me, though, is feeling that there’s a part of Becky I cannot access or reach. This sounds like a selfish statement, but that’s not how I mean it. I feel as though my ability to “break through” to this part would mean I could help. But I suppose this is selfish, after all. It’s not about me, really, even though Becky says she feels as if she’s a bad mother and wife.

It reminds me of what they say about anorexics/bulimics: no matter how thin they get, they persist in seeing themselves as fat. No matter how excellent a wife and mother she actually is – and she is, in fact, the best of both – she continues to see egregious flaws, mistakes and disappointments.

I can’t say I have a coherent strategy or process for doing what I can to help Becky, or at least not make the situation worse. But I am thinking about it all the time and I know that productive conclusions will come.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Seasons of Change

For my first post of the just-arrived summer season, I want to reflect on the season that passed. In only three short months, life has become different and, I would say, better.

Weight, fat hopefully, continues to be shed from my body. I have weighed in at 165.5 at my lowest, and under 160 seems possible as a summer goal.

My diet continues to become refined and stable. I eat lots more protein than before. In fact, I am a little concerned that I eat too many eggs and too much steak. This concern and my positive curiosity about how healthy I actually am has made me want to schedule a doctor’s visit. How’s that for a change?

Related to diet, I am cooking more often, which has somehow translated into my doing dishes more too. My wife certainly appreciates both of these. We seem to be happier together, not that we have ever been unhappy together.

Life this spring has not been all smiles and progress. Plus, we have some serious work to do in my household in terms of saving money, making home improvements, working on being good parents and not just nice parents, and so on.

All in all, however, this spring has been a re-birth for me. I noticed this morning that neither my back nor my neck was stiff or sore. How often before had I felt that one or the other was going to “break” and put me in pain and out of commission? Certainly, some things about me are new now, new again.

Summer is the time when that which is new blooms fully and reaches its highest potential. This season I will be looking to have the processes and progress in my life mature to an unprecedented extent. I have never really taken care of myself for longer than three months, so this season will be the test and the confirmation of who I really am and who I really want to be.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

On Reaching Goals

Today is the day I am calling it, the day I am saying that I reached my goal.

This morning, I weighed in at 170 pounds. On Saturday and Sunday, I saw 169 on the scale, but I was also running heavily, so it’s not the same as today.

On Monday, March 21, I was up to 185.5. It was just before the trip to Arizona for Joyce’s wedding. I thought that trip would be the catalyst of a change. Here I am now, nine weeks later, more than 15 pounds lighter and getting stronger every week.

The real surprise, however, has been my diet. I remember those days of eating nothing all day or bringing just a Special K bar for mid-day. How foolish I acted.

Now, during the workday I have five mini-meals of good stuff: nuts, fruits, lean meats, whole grains, veggies, and more veggies.

Now, in the evening I have a sensible meal of something good. Last night it was chicken and veggies. The other night it was beans, brown basmati rice and ground turkey breast. Another night it was rib-eye steak.

Now, I read labels at the grocery store and better understand what I am feeding my body, and how to feed my body well.

I have light yogurt often. I love fruit smoothies. I have discovered chicken and peanut butter.

I have learned to make meals for the week. I have learned to shop at two stores and to save money on groceries.

I avoid sugary snacks, high sodium foods, sodas and other foodstuffs that just do nothing for me.

I have run a 5K race faster than I expected. I joined a running club and had the guts to go out with them. I have entered a July 4 race and started training.

I have moved up from the 8-minute toner tapes to a real dumbbell workout. I have increased my strength and endurance.

I have bought a real weight bench and a heart rate monitor. I have used my jump rope and punching bag.

I have been educated and encouraged by online support groups, tools, and articles.

I have seen new goals, new challenges, and new possibilities emerge. Not just in fitness and nutrition, but in everything.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Rejected But Not Dejected

Hachai Publishing returned my UJAHS manuscript yesterday, rejected. They did say it was a "cute idea," but there was no substantive feedback beyond that. I'm disappointed and pessimistic about "Hannah's Moon."

On the up side, my weight is at 172.5 pounds. Of course my goal this week is 171, but it's nice to be under 175. Middlesex Community College offered me an English course to teach on Saturday mornings in the Fall. I think I'll take it.

I am very negative at work and about work. It's a sad state for me here. I am trying to manage the situation by using one of those "tips for success" books. The way I am going to use the book, though, is to develop a kind of workout plan: four weeks of eight principles that I'll try to execute well. In a few months, I hope to be much happier at work, be a better employee, more promotable and more secure.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Picking Up the Pace

I am very happy to say that I completed my first-ever 5K road race on Sunday. My goal had been to finish under 36:10, but I smashed that time by finishing in 32:25.

I had a pace of 10:28 per mile. Since I liked being involved in the race, I think I’ll sign up for a 4th of July race. My goal now is to finish at 28:57 or better. That’s a 9:30 per mile pace.

Speaking of goals, my weight goal this week is 174 pounds. This will be a milestone for me if I can do it. I think it will truly signal that I have indeed changed my lifestyle.

My book-publishing goals are still in a sweet limbo. I haven’t heard back from Hachai, and it’s too early to get a message from Stunt. I am optimistic about Stunt and hopeful about Hachai.

Looks like I need a new car. The poor Mitsubishi has entered a dangerous state. Dangerous, that is, to me.

Let’s see what happens, as always.